What is wrong with my friend?
When someone you care about has cancer, it can feel scary, confusing, heavy, and out of your control. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t have to handle them alone.
Your friend did nothing to cause it, and you can’t catch cancer from them. Cancer is not contagious like a cold or flu. Your friend is still your friend; their body just has a problem right now.
Your friend has been diagnosed with cancer. Inside everyone’s body are tiny building blocks called cells. These cells normally grow in an orderly way, like bricks being placed carefully on top of each other, to build a wall. Cancer happens when some cells start growing in the wrong way, too fast, and without control. These cells invade healthy tissue and thereby impede the body’s ability to function effectively.
That is why your friend might feel very tired, look pale or physically look differently due to the different treatments. Your friend might lose their hair during treatment, miss school or activities and have to go to the hospital often.
Doctors are giving your friend special medicines and treatments. The goal of these treatments is to kill the uncontrolled growth of the cancer cells and help the body recover its strength. Sometimes the treatment takes a long time, and it can make your friend feel very sick before they feel better.
Remember, your friend still cares about you and your being kind, patient, and a good friend really helps. You cannot fix this for your friend, but your presence, kindness, and care already make a difference. You might find this period with your friend difficult to cope with and feel you are not helping in any real way, but you are.
- Name and acknowledge your feelings. You might feel scared, sad, angry, helpless, confused, guilty for still enjoying life and anxious about the future. All of these are normal feelings. Loving someone who is hurting hurts us too.
- Talk to someone you trust. Don’t hold it all inside. It helps to talk to a close friend, a parent or trusted adult, a counsellor or support person or even writing in a journal if talking is hard. You can say something like: “My friend has cancer and I’m finding it hard. Can I talk to you about it?”
- Take care of your own body and mind. Stress affects you too. Try to sleep enough, eat regularly, move your body (walk, dance, stretch), take breaks when emotions feel heavy and breathe slowly when you feel overwhelmed.
- Do something helpful for your friend (but keep it in balance). Helping can make you feel less powerless. You can send messages, voice notes, or memes. A meme is a funny picture, video or text message that will make your friend laugh and will make them remember everyday situations. You can also make a playlist for them with some special songs you share. Draw or write something meaningful and visit if possible. It is important to first ask the parent or caregiver if you are allowed to visit. Just listen when they need to talk and remember that you are their friend, not their therapist or doctor. Care deeply but remember you cannot carry the load of this problem.
- Protect your space for your own life too. You are allowed to laugh, see other friends, do hobbies and have good days without feeling guilty. It does not mean you care less.
- Learn a little, but don’t google everything. It’s okay to learn the basics about cancer, but reading worst-case stories online can make your anxiety larger than reality. If you want information, ask a doctor, adult, or trustworthy source instead.
- Get support if you notice that you are carrying too much alone. Warning signs that you need help are constant worry you can’t stop, feeling hopeless or numb, trouble sleeping for many nights, not enjoying anything anymore, wanting to withdraw from everyone. You don’t have to carry the load alone and there are people who can help you.
Read More:
- CANSA. (n.d.)How do I support my friend who has cancer?
https://www.cansa.org.za/files/2020/09/CANSA-TLC-How-to-support-a-friend with-cancer-2020.pdf - Redkite. For Families facing childhood cancer. (n.d.). When your child as a friend with cancer. https://www.redkite.org.au/resource/when-your-child-has-a friend-with-cancer/
- American Cancer Society. (n.d.). Being a Friend to Someone with Cancer. https://www.cancer.org/cancer/caregivers/how-to-be-a-friend-to-someone with-cancer.html
- MacMillan Cancer Support. (n.d.). Your feelings when someone has cancer. https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends/your-feelings-when someone-has-cancer
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