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What is wrong with my brother / sister?
What is wrong with my brother / sister?

What is wrong with my brother / sister?

When a child’s brother or sister has cancer, it’s natural for the sibling to feel confused, scared,  or even left out. They may feel resentful because of all the attention for the sick child. It is  important to reassure them that these emotions are perfectly normal and maintain open and  honest communication with them. It is natural for them to have many questions, and it is  always better for them to hear the truth from you than listening to rumours from outside. Their  age, maturity, and what they’ve observed will shape what they ask. Explain things in an honest,  age-appropriate, and a reassuring way. Use clear and age-appropriate language, however, be  simple, honest, and calm. For e.g., “Your brother/sister has something called cancer. That  means some of the cells in their body are not working the way they should. The doctors are  giving medicine to help stop those bad cells from growing.” If they are a bit older you could say,  “Cancer happens when some cells grow too fast and crowd out the healthy ones. The doctors  and nurses have special treatments to help stop that from happening.” Avoid making promises  that the child will get better. Rather say, “The doctors are doing everything they can to help  them get better.” 

Younger children may not be able to talk about their fears and feelings but may express them by  a change in behaviour. They may become withdrawn, revert to baby-like or childish behaviour,  behave differently or become difficult, or start bed-wetting after recently being potty trained. Be  gentle and loving and address this issue as soon as possible.  

Some children may bottle up their feelings because they do not want to burden their parents.  Some might feel guilty for being healthy or angry that life changed. When this happens, they  may become withdrawn and difficult. Spend time alone with each child and encourage them to  talk about their feelings. Really listen before reacting and always reassure them of your love. 

Some siblings may secretly worry that they will also get cancer or if they have caused the  cancer. Tell them kindly that cancer is not like catching a cold and that nothing they did or said could make this happen. 

HELPFUL INFORMATION  

  • Keeping routines such as school, playtime, and time with friends as normal as possible.  This will give them comfort and normalcy. 
  • Encourage them to ask questions, even about things that are scary. Wait before you  answer and listen to them, even when they repeat questions.  
  • Include them by letting them draw pictures, make cards, or visit their sibling, if  appropriate. 
  • Give time and attention; even short, focused moments matter. 
  • Help them express their feelings through art, play, or talking.  
  • Be honest and if you don’t know an answer, it’s okay to say, “That’s a good question. I’m  not sure, but we can ask the doctor or the nurse.” 

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It is important that siblings know that nothing they did, said, or thought caused their sibling’s  cancer. They need to understand that they didn’t make it happen, and they can’t make it worse.  The most important thing that they can do is by being a loving brother or sister. For example:  During play, or even fighting, a sibling falls and breaks a leg and shortly thereafter becomes ill  and is diagnosed with cancer. The other sibling often believes that their actions, thoughts or  feelings during the incident caused the cancer. This belief makes them feel guilty and  responsible for their sibling’s cancer. 

Parents and caregivers need to respond in a gentle way by acknowledging their feelings, “I can  see you’re worried and feeling like maybe you did something to cause this. It’s really brave of  you to tell me.” Reassure them that nothing they did or did not do made his or her brother sick.  Listen to your child and if you pick up a misunderstanding, create a safe space and remind  them gently that the illness is not their fault. It is important to address this with sensitivity and  clarity. Assuring them about their vital role of play, talking and spending time with their sick  sibling is invaluable to both of them and of great help in the present situation. 

HELPFUL INFORMATION. 

  • Cancer is not anyone’s fault. Explain gently that cancer happens due to changes in  cells, genes, or for other medical reasons, and nothing they did caused it, for e.g., “Sometimes our body’s cells grow in ways they aren’t supposed to. It’s nobody’s fault,  not even a grown-up’s or a brother’s/sister’s.” 
  • Validate their feelings. Let them know it’s normal to feel scared, sad, angry, or guilty.  Avoid dismissing emotions; instead, name them: “I see you feel worried and maybe even  think this is your fault. That’s understandable, but it’s not true.” 
  • Encourage expression. Offer ways to express feelings: talking, drawing, journaling, or  playing and give reassurance that sharing feelings is safe and important. 
  • Provide age-appropriate information. Give honest but simple explanations. Avoid  overly detailed medical information for younger children. Use books or visual aids  designed for siblings of children with cancer. 
  • Involve them in care when appropriate. Small acts, like drawing a card, reading  together, or helping with practical tasks, can help them feel included without burdening  them.
  • Reassure them about safety and love. Emphasize that their relationship with their  sibling hasn’t caused the illness. Highlight that the family still loves and needs them. 

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When a child’s brother or sister has cancer, it’s natural for the sibling to feel confused, scared,  or even left out. They may feel resentful because of all the attention for the sick child.

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