I am a grandparent of a child diagnosed with cancer. My child and grandchild are suffering. How can I support them?

When a child is diagnosed with cancer, the entire family is affected and grandparents often carry a double emotional load, caring for their  grandchild while watching their own child (the parent) suffer and go through the new childhood cancer journey. This has a significant  impact on the lives of grandparents and can be emotionally overwhelming. It is difficult to provide comfort while managing your own grief,  intense emotional distress, worry, sadness, anxiety, and a sense of powerlessness. Grandparents want to help but sometimes feel  excluded from communications or decision-making. The supportive role of grandparents is significant and can make a huge difference,  however there is a fine line between making a positive contribution without overstepping boundaries. 

Siblings of a child diagnosed with cancer often feel confused, left out, or even guilty and are the silent sufferers. Grandparents further play  a very special role in helping them feel loved, secure, and understood. 

Helpful approaches on how to emotionally support your grandchild (child diagnosed with cancer)

• Be present and consistent. Your calm, loving presence gives a sense of stability. Even small gestures like reading a book, playing  a game, or just sitting nearby can comfort them. 
• Follow their lead. Let the child ask questions or bring up their feelings when they want to. Answer simply and honestly, using words  they can understand. If you don’t know an answer, it’s okay to say so. This is also a new and unknown journey for you.
• Keep normalcy where possible. Maintain routines and traditions (story time, favourite meals, birthdays, etc.). Familiar routines  can give them a sense of control and security. 
• Encourage feelings and let them know that it is okay to feel sad, scared, or angry. Acknowledge their emotions but let them know  that you are there for them. 
• Respect their treatment process and learn basic information about it (chemotherapy, radiation, etc.) so you can talk about it with  understanding. Reassure them that the medical team is helping them get better.

Helpful approaches on how to emotionally support your own child when their child has been diagnosed with cancer

• Be a steady emotional anchor. Listen without judgment or trying to “fix” things right away. Just by being there for them means  more than giving them advice. 
• Your child (the parent) often feels overwhelmed and by offering practical support you can help to reduce their stress.
• Encourage self-care and remind your child that it is okay and necessary for their mental and physical well-being to rest, cry, or  take a short break. Offer to stay with your grandchild so the parent can have a few hours off. 
• Be mindful of boundaries and ask before making big decisions or offering opinions about treatment or parenting. Respect that  your child may need space or may cope differently than you expect. 
• You do not protect your child or grandchild by making false promises. Hope and love are powerful but try not to minimize their fear  or pain. Assure them of your steadfast love and that you are with them even in the toughest times.

• Siblings often feel neglected because so much focus is on the sick child. They also need time, attention, and consistency. Try to  spend one-on-one time with them, even short moments matter for e.g., going for a walk, having a meal or just watching TV  together. Keep routines when you can. Familiar routines help children feel safe and cared for.\
• Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Children may not want to worry their parents, but they’ll often open up to a  grandparent. Gently open conversations by asking them how they are feeling about everything happening with their brother/sister? Let them know that it is okay and normal to feel sad, scared, or even angry.  
• Listen without correcting or minimizing their emotions. Sometimes children – especially small children might express feelings  through play, drawing, or stories instead of words.  
• Reassure them that they are loved and important. Siblings may feel “invisible” or think they must be extra good to avoid causing  more stress. Remind them that they are just as special and loved as their brother/sister diagnosed with cancer. Tell them that  everyone’s doing their best right now, and that they are an important part of the family.
• Some children secretly believe that they caused the cancer. Address guilt or misconceptions and reassure them gently and  clearly that nothing they did or did not do, say or did not say caused the cancer. Cancer is nobody’s fault.  
• Create moments of normalcy and joy by helping them to have fun and just be kids. Laughter and play are healing too. 
• Encourage open family communication and support the parents to talk honestly to all their children about what is happening in  an age-appropriate way. As a grandparent, you can reinforce those messages and help siblings to ask questions without being  scared. 
• Watch for signs of emotional distress like changes in sleep, behaviour, school performance, or withdrawal as these can be signs  of stress. If you notice these, gently talk to the parents and consider suggesting a counsellor or child psychologist experienced in  paediatric cancer. 

Read More:

• Cancercare. (n.d.) Helping siblings of a child with cancer. https://www.cancercare.org/publications/50- helping_the_siblings_of_a_child_with_cancer 
• Cancer Research UK.(n.d.). Supporting brothers or sisters. https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/childrens cancer/support-organisations/supporting-brothers-sisters 
• Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. (n.d.). Sibling Program. Connecting and Educating Siblings and Those Around Them.  https://www.dana-farber.org/patient-family/support-services/sibling-program 
• Leukaemia Care. (n.d.) Supporting siblings of children with blood cancer. https://www.leukaemiacare.org.uk/support-and information/information-about-blood-cancer/living-well-with-leukaemia/support-for-the-family/supporting-siblings-of-children with-blood-cancer/ 
• Teenager Cancer Trust. (n.d.). My brother or sister has cancer. https://www.teenagecancertrust.org/information-about cancer/my-brother-or-sister-has-cancer 
• Jenny Davies, et.al. 2023. Grandparents’ Experiences of Childhood Cancer: A Qualitative Study.